My Response to an Unhappily Married Woman

A friend described this scenario on Facebook (warning: it's long):

I have been married for a little over a year now, and I'm as confused as they come. My husband is a great father, great provider and all around great guy... Problem is - I knew the minute I saw him waiting for me at the alter that I was making a mistake....THE MISTAKE OF A LIFETIME...

With this being my first marriage, I'm not sure if I'm missing someting but I feel like my "total being" is not in this marriage. I don't feel drawn to this man. I don't feel the butterflies or long to hear his voice during my day - or get excited when his endearing text messages come across my phone... I just feel like I'm going through the motions.

I feel like he deserves someone to TRULY LOVE him - and for whatever reason, I don't see that being me... And, I feel like I deserve someone that makes my heart skip a beat when I see him or hear from him and someone that I can give my ALL to...

I don't want this to come across as ungrateful and I'm not really sure what my question is however, I'm just wondering if any of your married readers have experienced this and if so, what did they do...BESIDES DIVORCE (as I want to give my marriage every opportunity to flourish - I just don't know how)

PS...I haved been to individual counseling - to no avail... and , I'm afraid to ask him for couple's therapy - I don't feel like it's his fault...

 My response:

I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who has been married for nine years (to my first and always-will-be-only wife). 

First, you can't buy a Honda and then get mad that it's not a Bentley. This woman has dreams of a Bentley boyfriend and is getting annoyed every time she has to start up the Honda husband. However, she knew what she was getting into before she made the commitment. 

And that is what marriage is: a commitment. Feelings of love and happiness should definitely be part of the deal, but the commitment is what keeps two people together when feelings fade in and out of existance. 

Since I believe you have to stay in a marriage until the other person dies, the spousal selection process is critically important. Too many people go about this process asking themselves, "Can I live with this person?" However, that's the wrong question. They should be asking themselves "Can I live without this person?". When I was single, many women passed the test of the first question, but only one passed the test of the second question.

This woman should not lose hope. First, this woman should appreciate the man that she herself describes as a good man. Second, she should focus on the good things he brings to her life. She made a commitment to be with him for a lifetime so she might as well try to find joy where she is instead of chasing happiness somewhere else.

Comments

[another "Unhappily married female"]

I see you seem to have found it all (and you should be thankful for it every second of your life) I agree with you. She made the decision and if she can't feel the butterflies in her stomach anymore, well, welcome to reality.

What would you suggest to me. I've been married for eight years now, with a four year son and a daughter that lies in a grave. It was an arranged marriage, I got engaged at 17, married at 20. Had to sacrifice an engineering degree for my marriage, (Was top of the class with a 4 GPA) and I have compromised so much for this marriage that now I can't even recognize myself anymore. I see a stranger gazing back at me when I stand in front of a mirror. He told me he had loved me since we were kids. i believed it for a few years, but sooner or later, you have to face reality, and actions speak louder than words. Fine, he has a "bad memory" when it comes to birthdays and anniversaries. But what about the mental torture, the physical one, even when our son is watching. What about trying to poison my son's mind that mommy is bad and she is an evil witch.

When I conceived for the first time after 3 years of trying, all he had to say was, who's child id this? then, I was at work, standing in a parking lot and there was a bomb blast so close to me that I felt the shock wave. Three people from his office came running over since their families were there too. And only my husband was no where to be found, I still find it hard to believe that 4 people are sitting in the same room, three find out that there has been a blast, and the fourth doesn't, especially when it's outside his wife's workplace?

The question is, do I leave him? what about my son? he loves his father as much as he loves me. will I be doing something unfair to my son? I have no support whatsoever. How do I get away with my son from an extremely influential man?